This past year has been full of vivid dreams that have a lot of meaning
Last night i dreamt that my work team and myself flew to DC right before the blizzard hit. While sight seeing, it was night time and all the sudden there were searchlights pointing to the sky. I was the only one from my group that looked up to see that. Then 4 planes were visible and looked like they were moving outward from the same point of origin in the sky. Then one started falling out of the sky with its lights flickering. It crashed and went up in flames. The next plane flickered and crashed. The other two planes followed suit. It was devastating to see this and I knew that the planes were hijacked via planned tech failure. I return to work the next day and vowed never to fly on a plane again. People at work wouldn't believe me and didn't take the crashes to heart like I did. I couldn't function at work. I couldn't pay attention to anything. I found out on the news the next morning that one of the planes that fell from the sky was the president's plane.
It was a very sobering, scary, sad dream....
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Sinister Dreams
I have had several different dreams about my Dad since he passed away. I felt the need to write them down lest I forget in the future.
I will probably edit this post several times to write them all down but here is one of the most recent ones I had...it was also the most disturbing.
Bobby and I were back in the Tophill house talking in the family room. At this point Dad was already dead and buried in Utah. As we were talking, I hear the sound of my dad's coughing echoing from his bedroom into the family area. I look at Bobby and tell him we need to see if my Dad is ok. We go into my dad's bedroom, we hear the hacking again, I come closer towards the opposite side of the bed and a demonic woman with dark skin, flesh hanging off her skeleton, whips back the covers on the bed. She laughs and gets out of the bed and goes into the master bathroom, lurking there. Her laughter was because she tricked us to go into the bedroom. Hiding there in the bathroom she stares back with red eyes, I try to leave the room but as soon as I move she jumps out of the bathroom screaming a horrible demonic sound and grabs my arm trying to pull me towards her.
I wake up.
Scariest, most disturbing dream I've ever had.
I will probably edit this post several times to write them all down but here is one of the most recent ones I had...it was also the most disturbing.
Bobby and I were back in the Tophill house talking in the family room. At this point Dad was already dead and buried in Utah. As we were talking, I hear the sound of my dad's coughing echoing from his bedroom into the family area. I look at Bobby and tell him we need to see if my Dad is ok. We go into my dad's bedroom, we hear the hacking again, I come closer towards the opposite side of the bed and a demonic woman with dark skin, flesh hanging off her skeleton, whips back the covers on the bed. She laughs and gets out of the bed and goes into the master bathroom, lurking there. Her laughter was because she tricked us to go into the bedroom. Hiding there in the bathroom she stares back with red eyes, I try to leave the room but as soon as I move she jumps out of the bathroom screaming a horrible demonic sound and grabs my arm trying to pull me towards her.
I wake up.
Scariest, most disturbing dream I've ever had.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Life doesn't pause for the dead
My thoughts have been so scrambled this past month. I'm such a mixed bag of emotions. I have been so scatter brained and all over the place...I'm just starting to gain my focus back at work. There are moments where I still want to burst into tears at work but have to remind myself to shut off my emotions until 5:00pm hits...so unnatural and mentally unhealthy to be unable to grieve when you need to.
Its been almost three weeks since my father's death. So many painful memories that were necessary for some sort of closure...
I felt so guilty leaving him that last week for Colorado...so much that I was seriously considering cancelling our travel plans to go skiing with our friends. Kj however insisted I take a break and go have a good time. I reluctantly left that night for our 15 hour drive through Kansas and west into Colorado, silently crying that night in the passenger seat as I looked up at the starry night sky in the plains of Kansas...pondering the loneliness of our world and how my life started by such an incredibly miniscule chance...
Every day in Colorado I would cry myself to sleep after talking to Kj, Nikki, Char, or Tiffany and thinking of how alone Dad is without his brothers, sisters, or parents there. I took great comfort in knowing that Nikki was with Kj that weekend or else I would've taken the next flight back home to help Kj take care of Dad.
After a 15 hour drive home that following Tuesday, March 3rd, I stopped at Dad's house to pick up my car for work on our last leg back home to our apartment. I stopped to see Kj and Nikki and they were both exhausted. I was exhausted too after such a long drive, but I was wired from sudden midnight jokes with our friends on the drive home that I knew I could stay up that night to care for Dad to let Nikki get some good rest and Kj was ok with me waking her up if I had any questions or needed help.
That night it was too dark for me to truly see his form, but I knew he was much weaker than before... Kj told me in the living room about 2:00 am that he didn't have long to live..maybe two days... and that was all. I told her I needed to go into work in the morning to at least explain to my boss what the situation was and request time off/bereavement. I didn't want my boss to think that I was just wanting an extended vacation and was still in Colorado.
Around 3:00am that same morning, I was sitting on the floor by his bed staring into the darkness trying to think of what will happen in the days ahead. Then dad started puking up bile...about 1/2-1 cup worth and it was the most harrowing, disgusting smell I had encountered in my life... I couldn't bear to look at the color of it...I just knew it was dark. I then went into the kitchen and washed out the spit cup and sat back down with dad...As the dawn approached I was able to see that the bile he was spitting was almost black... mixed with blood. The spit ups occurred about 8 times that night... He always kept saying he was ok when I came up with the spit cup, but then sometimes he wasn't ok and it would start dripping onto his pillow and himself before I could get to him in time...It was such a sad sight to see he couldn't lift his head anymore or bother to handle his mess.
I think once KJ came down to be with him, he just lost the will to live. He knew it was the end. I will always be so grateful to KJ and Nikki for taking care of him 24/7 for the past 6 days while I was out of town.
So, after that first eye-opening night I went into work that morning, and I had every intention of telling my boss in person what was going on, but he was asking me what I needed via IM, so I just delved into it and sent it to him. He then wanted to talk in person, so I went upstairs and told him what was going on...It was so difficult for me not to cry in front of him. My voice was super high pitched and I couldn't go into much detail or I would just break down in front of him. He was so understanding and told me to just leave for the day and take the rest of the week off and communicate to him later with a status update.
After leaving work, I went home to pick up blankets and extra things we would be needing at the house as my grandparents were arriving that afternoon, and Char later that evening. I dreaded going back to Dad's house but knew it needed to be done...I just wanted to escape the depressing reality of my father actively dying in his bed. When I got back to Dad's, Aunt Debbie and Cousin Elizabeth arrived within minutes--I hadn't seen them in over 10 years... It was great to see them. Once Dad could hear that Debbie was there, he wanted to get out of bed and go to the living room. Kj and Nikki and to pull him up and walk him to the living room together. I finally saw his form since had seen him 7 days past and he looked like a holocaust victim...Just skin and bones, he looked like death itself. I wondered how he managed to stay alive in this condition and how he was even able to get out of bed. He did his best to act normal (as always). He asked for root beer and cocktail ice--his last beverage in his life. Soon though he couldn't handle sitting in the recliner and had to lay on the couch and fell asleep.
Then Grandma and Grandpa arrived. Dad immediately reverted back to childhood and called out for Mommy and that he was ready for his burial plot. Grandma was shocked by his appearance that she started crying as Kj and Nikki took him back to his bedroom to sleep.
I tried to get some shut eye that afternoon, which was really really needed. I woke up that evening to a snow storm and had to drive down I35 on the slick road and a bajillion pot holes to get to Dallas Love Airport. It was so wonderful to see Char again and here in Texas too! On the drive back and tried to prepare her the best I could at Dad's condition so she wouldn't be so shocked. I think that might have helped a bit.
Char's Blog pretty much sums up everything else that happened...I will soon edit this page and quote most of her story here...
Its been almost three weeks since my father's death. So many painful memories that were necessary for some sort of closure...
I felt so guilty leaving him that last week for Colorado...so much that I was seriously considering cancelling our travel plans to go skiing with our friends. Kj however insisted I take a break and go have a good time. I reluctantly left that night for our 15 hour drive through Kansas and west into Colorado, silently crying that night in the passenger seat as I looked up at the starry night sky in the plains of Kansas...pondering the loneliness of our world and how my life started by such an incredibly miniscule chance...
Every day in Colorado I would cry myself to sleep after talking to Kj, Nikki, Char, or Tiffany and thinking of how alone Dad is without his brothers, sisters, or parents there. I took great comfort in knowing that Nikki was with Kj that weekend or else I would've taken the next flight back home to help Kj take care of Dad.
After a 15 hour drive home that following Tuesday, March 3rd, I stopped at Dad's house to pick up my car for work on our last leg back home to our apartment. I stopped to see Kj and Nikki and they were both exhausted. I was exhausted too after such a long drive, but I was wired from sudden midnight jokes with our friends on the drive home that I knew I could stay up that night to care for Dad to let Nikki get some good rest and Kj was ok with me waking her up if I had any questions or needed help.
That night it was too dark for me to truly see his form, but I knew he was much weaker than before... Kj told me in the living room about 2:00 am that he didn't have long to live..maybe two days... and that was all. I told her I needed to go into work in the morning to at least explain to my boss what the situation was and request time off/bereavement. I didn't want my boss to think that I was just wanting an extended vacation and was still in Colorado.
Around 3:00am that same morning, I was sitting on the floor by his bed staring into the darkness trying to think of what will happen in the days ahead. Then dad started puking up bile...about 1/2-1 cup worth and it was the most harrowing, disgusting smell I had encountered in my life... I couldn't bear to look at the color of it...I just knew it was dark. I then went into the kitchen and washed out the spit cup and sat back down with dad...As the dawn approached I was able to see that the bile he was spitting was almost black... mixed with blood. The spit ups occurred about 8 times that night... He always kept saying he was ok when I came up with the spit cup, but then sometimes he wasn't ok and it would start dripping onto his pillow and himself before I could get to him in time...It was such a sad sight to see he couldn't lift his head anymore or bother to handle his mess.
I think once KJ came down to be with him, he just lost the will to live. He knew it was the end. I will always be so grateful to KJ and Nikki for taking care of him 24/7 for the past 6 days while I was out of town.
So, after that first eye-opening night I went into work that morning, and I had every intention of telling my boss in person what was going on, but he was asking me what I needed via IM, so I just delved into it and sent it to him. He then wanted to talk in person, so I went upstairs and told him what was going on...It was so difficult for me not to cry in front of him. My voice was super high pitched and I couldn't go into much detail or I would just break down in front of him. He was so understanding and told me to just leave for the day and take the rest of the week off and communicate to him later with a status update.
After leaving work, I went home to pick up blankets and extra things we would be needing at the house as my grandparents were arriving that afternoon, and Char later that evening. I dreaded going back to Dad's house but knew it needed to be done...I just wanted to escape the depressing reality of my father actively dying in his bed. When I got back to Dad's, Aunt Debbie and Cousin Elizabeth arrived within minutes--I hadn't seen them in over 10 years... It was great to see them. Once Dad could hear that Debbie was there, he wanted to get out of bed and go to the living room. Kj and Nikki and to pull him up and walk him to the living room together. I finally saw his form since had seen him 7 days past and he looked like a holocaust victim...Just skin and bones, he looked like death itself. I wondered how he managed to stay alive in this condition and how he was even able to get out of bed. He did his best to act normal (as always). He asked for root beer and cocktail ice--his last beverage in his life. Soon though he couldn't handle sitting in the recliner and had to lay on the couch and fell asleep.
Then Grandma and Grandpa arrived. Dad immediately reverted back to childhood and called out for Mommy and that he was ready for his burial plot. Grandma was shocked by his appearance that she started crying as Kj and Nikki took him back to his bedroom to sleep.
I tried to get some shut eye that afternoon, which was really really needed. I woke up that evening to a snow storm and had to drive down I35 on the slick road and a bajillion pot holes to get to Dallas Love Airport. It was so wonderful to see Char again and here in Texas too! On the drive back and tried to prepare her the best I could at Dad's condition so she wouldn't be so shocked. I think that might have helped a bit.
Char's Blog pretty much sums up everything else that happened...I will soon edit this page and quote most of her story here...
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Ready for the next step
Bobby and I are thinking about moving into a rent house after our lease is up. Its only 900 a month and its in Farmers Branch near where Keith and Danielle live. A backyard would be wonderful to have for Star to run around in...but I don't like where this is heading.. I really want to live in Washington..and getting into a rent house is just one more step to take to living in texas permanently which is something i'm not really excited about...but I'm sure Bobby IS happy about.
I know bobby is happy here.. and he does want to move to Washington for the beauty of the landscape...but he just wishes we could move his whole family up there too... I know we will live in Texas for another year at the very least... For Keith's health, and to finish up schooling for our Associate's Degree.
Maybe I'm being selfish..but I love Mom so much and all of my sisters and just want to enjoy life with them in the northwest...
Maybe in another few years.. maybe...maybe not..
I know bobby is happy here.. and he does want to move to Washington for the beauty of the landscape...but he just wishes we could move his whole family up there too... I know we will live in Texas for another year at the very least... For Keith's health, and to finish up schooling for our Associate's Degree.
Maybe I'm being selfish..but I love Mom so much and all of my sisters and just want to enjoy life with them in the northwest...
Maybe in another few years.. maybe...maybe not..
Sunday, April 1, 2012
What's on my mind.
Just saw the Lorax today--very cute movie. I know its juvenile, but I enjoy watching kid movies--I'm still very much a kid at heart and kid movies just make me happy. They always have a good message in it and have spectacular animation shown. The Lorax movie really makes you want to go out there and be a tree hugger. lol.
So Bobby and I dont get our day together today for this week. He's out fishing with his Dad and our friend Neil. (I've tried fishing before and was totally repulsed by it.. So--I dont think i will be trying it again, unless maybe its some open sea fishing.--That would be interesting and not smell so horrible as Lake Lewisville--full of dead bodies and sewage it seems like).
I miss him when I'm off and he's not home. Not that I don't mind time to myself, but I feel an emptiness in me when he's not around and I have nothing better to do than to think about him. I don't want him to feel bad about hanging out with his friend and going fishing with his Dad. Everyone needs other support than just the spouse and its good to keep different relationships going. I wish I had learned that when Bobby and I had first started dating--I feel like I would still have some close old friendships with me, but Bobby became my world when we started dating and I let everything else go.... I wish I still had some friends to hang out with every now and then--It just seems like I'm losing my ability to maintain and encourage friendships--I'm much more interested in reading and getting other personal crafts/projects done than to worry and "waste" my time trying to build a relationship with someone as a friend.
With friendship, I am very fierce about loyalty (which is sometimes stupid) and I get jealous if i'm not their BEST friend at the time. Its childish and stupid--I always feel pressured though to be the best or I'm not worth anything. I know that its totally stupid and not true--but I still feel that way--I always want to be the best at everything I do. I just feel the drive to stop at nothing to be the leader and conquer, you know? I think it might have to do with always seeking approval from Dad...he's an asshole still at heart--but he has softened slightly. I dont know why I subconsciously still seek for his approval--I'm a grown woman with a husband and I am HAPPY WITH IT! but i guess I wish that he was not so...socially awkward and a terrible father so that I could have a somewhat healthy relationship with him. I really wish that.
Sometimes I feel like I mirror him with his social awkwardness at times--mom always had to push Dad to go out with his friends and enjoy some time outside the family--and I feel like I've become a burden to Bobby in that way--that I feel like I have to have someone close to me for me to be able to go out into the abrasive social world and struggle to find the right words to say to someone.
... My sisters may not think that I am socially awkward because I put on a show saying--hey I can do anything and get whatever I want because i'm 'grown up" and self-sufficient. But secretly, its not that case--most of my success comes from my husband and his encouraging words and actions that allow us to have a more financially stable environment....
I just feel that I have a lot of potential--but too afraid/lazy to go forward and truly shine....
I'd rather just sit at home and cross-stitch and be reserved than to go out and try to create a network of success and relationships...
Sorry I know my words are repetitive and somewhat childish writing style...but I just have a need to get out on "paper" whats been on my mind...
So Bobby and I dont get our day together today for this week. He's out fishing with his Dad and our friend Neil. (I've tried fishing before and was totally repulsed by it.. So--I dont think i will be trying it again, unless maybe its some open sea fishing.--That would be interesting and not smell so horrible as Lake Lewisville--full of dead bodies and sewage it seems like).
I miss him when I'm off and he's not home. Not that I don't mind time to myself, but I feel an emptiness in me when he's not around and I have nothing better to do than to think about him. I don't want him to feel bad about hanging out with his friend and going fishing with his Dad. Everyone needs other support than just the spouse and its good to keep different relationships going. I wish I had learned that when Bobby and I had first started dating--I feel like I would still have some close old friendships with me, but Bobby became my world when we started dating and I let everything else go.... I wish I still had some friends to hang out with every now and then--It just seems like I'm losing my ability to maintain and encourage friendships--I'm much more interested in reading and getting other personal crafts/projects done than to worry and "waste" my time trying to build a relationship with someone as a friend.
With friendship, I am very fierce about loyalty (which is sometimes stupid) and I get jealous if i'm not their BEST friend at the time. Its childish and stupid--I always feel pressured though to be the best or I'm not worth anything. I know that its totally stupid and not true--but I still feel that way--I always want to be the best at everything I do. I just feel the drive to stop at nothing to be the leader and conquer, you know? I think it might have to do with always seeking approval from Dad...he's an asshole still at heart--but he has softened slightly. I dont know why I subconsciously still seek for his approval--I'm a grown woman with a husband and I am HAPPY WITH IT! but i guess I wish that he was not so...socially awkward and a terrible father so that I could have a somewhat healthy relationship with him. I really wish that.
Sometimes I feel like I mirror him with his social awkwardness at times--mom always had to push Dad to go out with his friends and enjoy some time outside the family--and I feel like I've become a burden to Bobby in that way--that I feel like I have to have someone close to me for me to be able to go out into the abrasive social world and struggle to find the right words to say to someone.
... My sisters may not think that I am socially awkward because I put on a show saying--hey I can do anything and get whatever I want because i'm 'grown up" and self-sufficient. But secretly, its not that case--most of my success comes from my husband and his encouraging words and actions that allow us to have a more financially stable environment....
I just feel that I have a lot of potential--but too afraid/lazy to go forward and truly shine....
I'd rather just sit at home and cross-stitch and be reserved than to go out and try to create a network of success and relationships...
Sorry I know my words are repetitive and somewhat childish writing style...but I just have a need to get out on "paper" whats been on my mind...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Dreams
I had a really odd dream last night.... It was about both bill and dad.
The entire family, including mom and bill, were all in texas and driving to the cowboys stadium. When we got there, it was like a huge memorandum for dad....but dad was still alive and at the stadium too. All of dad's favorite music was playing loudly from the speakers( the songs I remember are Bread: If; Moody Blues: Knights in White Satin; etc), and it was only the family at the stadium. We went on the turf of the field and there were tables set up with all of dad's childhood memorabilia and there were little programs that you could take that were on black paper with silver writing about the stadium event of dad's memorabilia. As we were walking around the tables I saw all of dad's childhood memories there...old journals, a favorite baseball, and other random things of his.
After that, dad stayed at the stadium and the rest of the family (mom and bill included) drove to farmers branch and stopped by at this glass building. We went inside and all of bill's favorite music was playing (The Beatles; the Eagles: Hotel California) and there were shelfs set up in this smaller room in the building that had all of bill's childhood memorabilia like his journals from his childhood that I actually opened and read...All I remember though was that the writing was all crooked and slanted across the pages..I don't remember what it said.
Bill also had little programs about the event at the building, but they were on white paper with gold writing....
After that I woke up.........
Strange.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The past few weeks
So, I'm very bored today....
For the past few days all i've been doing is laying in bed playing zelda: spirit tracks or cross-stitching. I'm getting very bored of it every day and just dreading as the time goes on that i have to be at work in the next 5 hours....blahhh...
...I miss washington. It was soooooo relaxing and refreshing being up there :) :) there's so much to do and there's never enough time to do it all.
I really truly hope that bobby and i can live there one day...
Anyhow,
We just got a lightly used twin mattress for free from bobby's work.:) we just sanitized it the other day and now all we have to do is wash the sheets bobby used to have on his old bed and use it on this one :) it's in our 2nd bedroom/office area. pretty sweet :) its really comfortable too.
woot.
I made my first cheesecake yesterday for bobby. :) it came out pretty well...not quite all the way solidified, but much sweeter than normal cheesecake which made me like it more. I usually don't like cheesecake very much b/c it tastes kind of sour...blah, but this tasted great. :)
I just bought tiffany's plane tickets for her to come down and see me and bobby. august 2nd thru aug. 8th (mon.-sun.) YAY!!! I'm so excited to see her :) and when she's here, she'll actually have her own room and bed to sleep in!!!! YAY!!!
..I can't believe i'm going to be 20 in a couple weeks...ahhh...I won't be a teenager anymore :( this is weird....I don't like it....:( but i feel so much older than my age too.... ugggh. life is too short.
i really need a new job. I seriously hate mine....i loathe it everyday i come in. I feel like whatever i do, there's always something else that has to get done.....blah.
...I don't really know what else to write about today...i just feel really bored....:(
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