Just saw the Lorax today--very cute movie. I know its juvenile, but I enjoy watching kid movies--I'm still very much a kid at heart and kid movies just make me happy. They always have a good message in it and have spectacular animation shown. The Lorax movie really makes you want to go out there and be a tree hugger. lol.
So Bobby and I dont get our day together today for this week. He's out fishing with his Dad and our friend Neil. (I've tried fishing before and was totally repulsed by it.. So--I dont think i will be trying it again, unless maybe its some open sea fishing.--That would be interesting and not smell so horrible as Lake Lewisville--full of dead bodies and sewage it seems like).
I miss him when I'm off and he's not home. Not that I don't mind time to myself, but I feel an emptiness in me when he's not around and I have nothing better to do than to think about him. I don't want him to feel bad about hanging out with his friend and going fishing with his Dad. Everyone needs other support than just the spouse and its good to keep different relationships going. I wish I had learned that when Bobby and I had first started dating--I feel like I would still have some close old friendships with me, but Bobby became my world when we started dating and I let everything else go.... I wish I still had some friends to hang out with every now and then--It just seems like I'm losing my ability to maintain and encourage friendships--I'm much more interested in reading and getting other personal crafts/projects done than to worry and "waste" my time trying to build a relationship with someone as a friend.
With friendship, I am very fierce about loyalty (which is sometimes stupid) and I get jealous if i'm not their BEST friend at the time. Its childish and stupid--I always feel pressured though to be the best or I'm not worth anything. I know that its totally stupid and not true--but I still feel that way--I always want to be the best at everything I do. I just feel the drive to stop at nothing to be the leader and conquer, you know? I think it might have to do with always seeking approval from Dad...he's an asshole still at heart--but he has softened slightly. I dont know why I subconsciously still seek for his approval--I'm a grown woman with a husband and I am HAPPY WITH IT! but i guess I wish that he was not so...socially awkward and a terrible father so that I could have a somewhat healthy relationship with him. I really wish that.
Sometimes I feel like I mirror him with his social awkwardness at times--mom always had to push Dad to go out with his friends and enjoy some time outside the family--and I feel like I've become a burden to Bobby in that way--that I feel like I have to have someone close to me for me to be able to go out into the abrasive social world and struggle to find the right words to say to someone.
... My sisters may not think that I am socially awkward because I put on a show saying--hey I can do anything and get whatever I want because i'm 'grown up" and self-sufficient. But secretly, its not that case--most of my success comes from my husband and his encouraging words and actions that allow us to have a more financially stable environment....
I just feel that I have a lot of potential--but too afraid/lazy to go forward and truly shine....
I'd rather just sit at home and cross-stitch and be reserved than to go out and try to create a network of success and relationships...
Sorry I know my words are repetitive and somewhat childish writing style...but I just have a need to get out on "paper" whats been on my mind...
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