Life doesn't pause for the dead

My thoughts have been so scrambled this past month. I'm such a mixed bag of emotions.  I have been so scatter brained and all over the place...I'm just starting to gain my focus back at work. There are moments where I still want to burst into tears at work but have to remind myself to shut off my emotions until 5:00pm hits...so unnatural and mentally unhealthy to be unable to grieve when you need to.

Its been almost three weeks since my father's death. So many painful memories that were necessary for some sort of closure...

I felt so guilty leaving him that last week for Colorado...so much that I was seriously considering cancelling our travel plans to go skiing with our friends. Kj however insisted I take a break and go have a good time. I reluctantly left that night for our 15 hour drive through Kansas and west into Colorado, silently crying that night in the passenger seat as I looked up at the starry night sky in the plains of Kansas...pondering the loneliness of our world and how my life started by such an incredibly miniscule chance...

Every day in Colorado I would cry myself to sleep after talking to Kj, Nikki, Char, or Tiffany and thinking of how alone Dad is without his brothers, sisters, or parents there. I took great comfort in knowing that Nikki was with Kj that weekend or else I would've taken the next flight back home to help Kj take care of Dad.

After a 15 hour drive home that following Tuesday, March 3rd, I stopped at Dad's house to pick up my car for work on our last leg back home to our apartment.  I stopped to see Kj and Nikki and they were both exhausted. I was exhausted too after such a long drive, but I was wired from sudden midnight jokes with our friends on the drive home that I knew I could stay up that night to care for Dad to let Nikki get some good rest and Kj was ok with me waking her up if I had any questions or needed help.

That night it was too dark for me to truly see his form, but I knew he was much weaker than before... Kj told me in the living room about 2:00 am that he didn't have long to live..maybe two days... and that was all. I told her I needed to go into work in the morning to at least explain to my boss what the situation was and request time off/bereavement. I didn't want my boss to think that I was just wanting an extended vacation and was still in Colorado. 

Around 3:00am that same morning, I was sitting on the floor by his bed staring into the darkness trying to think of what will happen in the days ahead.  Then dad started puking up bile...about 1/2-1 cup worth and it was the most harrowing, disgusting smell I had encountered in my life... I couldn't bear to look at the color of it...I just knew it was dark. I then went into the kitchen and washed out the spit cup and sat back down with dad...As the dawn approached I was able to see that the bile he was spitting was almost black... mixed with blood.  The spit ups occurred about 8 times that night... He always kept saying he was ok when I came up with the spit cup, but then sometimes he wasn't ok and it would start dripping onto his pillow and himself before I could get to him in time...It was such a sad sight to see he couldn't lift his head anymore or bother to handle his mess.

I think once KJ came down to be with him, he just lost the will to live. He knew it was the end. I will always be so grateful to KJ and Nikki for taking care of him 24/7 for the past 6 days while I was out of town.

So, after that first eye-opening night I went into work that morning, and I had every intention of telling my boss in person what was going on, but he was asking me what I needed via IM, so I just delved into it and sent it to him. He then wanted to talk in person, so I went upstairs and told him what was going on...It was so difficult for me not to cry in front of him.  My voice was super high pitched and I couldn't go into much detail or I would just break down in front of him.  He was so understanding and told me to just leave for the day and take the rest of the week off and communicate to him later with a status update.

After leaving work, I went home to pick up blankets and extra things we would be needing at the house as my grandparents were arriving that afternoon, and Char later that evening.  I dreaded going back to Dad's house but knew it needed to be done...I just wanted to escape the depressing reality of my father actively dying in his bed. When I got back to Dad's, Aunt Debbie and Cousin Elizabeth arrived within minutes--I hadn't seen them in over 10 years... It was great to see them. Once Dad could hear that Debbie was there, he wanted to get out of bed and go to the living room. Kj and Nikki and to pull him up and walk him to the living room together. I finally saw his form since had seen him 7 days past and he looked like a holocaust victim...Just skin and bones, he looked like death itself. I wondered how he managed to stay alive in this condition and how he was even able to get out of bed. He did his best to act normal (as always). He asked for root beer and cocktail ice--his last beverage in his life.  Soon though he couldn't handle sitting in the recliner and had to lay on the couch and fell asleep.

Then Grandma and Grandpa arrived. Dad immediately reverted back to childhood and called out for Mommy and that he was ready for his burial plot.  Grandma was shocked by his appearance that she started crying as Kj and Nikki took him back to his bedroom to sleep.

I tried to get some shut eye that afternoon, which was really really needed. I woke up that evening to a snow storm and had to drive down I35  on the slick road and a bajillion pot holes to get to Dallas Love Airport. It was so wonderful to see Char again and here in Texas too!  On the drive back and tried to prepare her the best I could at Dad's condition so she wouldn't be so shocked.  I think that might have helped a bit.

Char's Blog pretty much sums up everything else that happened...I will soon edit this page and quote most of her story here...