Ready for the next step

Bobby and I are thinking about moving into a rent house after our lease is up. Its only 900 a month and its in Farmers Branch near where Keith and Danielle live. A backyard would be wonderful to have for Star to run around in...but I don't like where this is heading.. I really want to live in Washington..and getting into a rent house is just one more step to take to living in texas permanently which is something i'm not really excited about...but I'm sure Bobby IS happy about.
I know bobby is happy here.. and he does want to move to Washington for the beauty of the landscape...but he just wishes we could move his whole family up there too... I know we will live in Texas for another year at the very least... For Keith's health, and to finish up schooling for our Associate's Degree. 


Maybe I'm being selfish..but I love Mom so much and all of my sisters and just want to enjoy life with them in the northwest...

Maybe in another few years.. maybe...maybe not..

What's on my mind.

Just saw the Lorax today--very cute movie. I know its juvenile, but I enjoy watching kid movies--I'm still very much a kid at heart and kid movies just make me happy. They always have a good message in it and have spectacular animation shown. The Lorax movie really makes you want to go out there and be a tree hugger. lol.

So Bobby and I dont get our day together today for this week. He's out fishing with his Dad and our friend Neil. (I've tried fishing before and was totally repulsed by it.. So--I dont think i will be trying it again, unless maybe its some open sea fishing.--That would be interesting and not smell so horrible as Lake Lewisville--full of dead bodies and sewage it seems like).

I miss him when I'm off and he's not home. Not that I don't mind time to myself, but I feel an emptiness in me when he's not around and I have nothing better to do than to think about him. I don't want him to feel bad about hanging out with his friend and going fishing with his Dad. Everyone needs other support than just the spouse and its good to keep different relationships going. I wish I had learned that when Bobby and I had first started dating--I feel like I would still have some close old friendships with me, but Bobby became my world when we started dating and I let everything else go.... I wish I still had some friends to hang out with every now and then--It just seems like I'm losing my ability to maintain and encourage friendships--I'm much more interested in reading and getting other personal crafts/projects done than to worry and "waste" my time trying to build a relationship with someone as a friend.

With friendship, I am very fierce about loyalty (which is sometimes stupid) and I get jealous if i'm not their BEST friend at the time. Its childish and stupid--I always feel pressured though to be the best or I'm not worth anything. I know that its totally stupid and not true--but I still feel that way--I always want to be the best at everything I do. I just feel the drive to stop at nothing to be the leader and conquer, you know? I think it might have to do with always seeking approval from Dad...he's an asshole still at heart--but he has softened slightly. I dont know why I subconsciously still seek for his approval--I'm a grown woman with a husband and I am HAPPY WITH IT! but i guess I wish that he was not so...socially awkward and a terrible father so that I could have a somewhat healthy relationship with him. I really wish that.
Sometimes I feel like I mirror him with his social awkwardness at times--mom always had to push Dad to go out with his friends and enjoy some time outside the family--and I feel like I've become a burden to Bobby in that way--that I feel like I have to have someone close to me for me to be able to go out into the abrasive social world and struggle to find the right words to say to someone.

... My sisters may not think that I am socially awkward because I put on a show saying--hey I can do anything and get whatever I want because i'm 'grown up" and self-sufficient. But secretly, its not that case--most of my success comes from my husband and his encouraging words and actions that allow us to have a more financially stable environment....

I just feel that I have a lot of potential--but too afraid/lazy to go forward and truly shine....
I'd rather just sit at home and cross-stitch and be reserved than to go out and try to create a network of success and relationships...

Sorry I know my words are repetitive and somewhat childish writing style...but I just have a need to get out on "paper" whats been on my mind...

Dreams

I had a really odd dream last night.... It was about both bill and dad.

The entire family, including mom and bill, were all in texas and driving to the cowboys stadium. When we got there, it was like a huge memorandum for dad....but dad was still alive and at the stadium too. All of dad's favorite music was playing loudly from the speakers( the songs I remember are Bread: If; Moody Blues: Knights in White Satin; etc), and it was only the family at the stadium. We went on the turf of the field and there were tables set up with all of dad's childhood memorabilia and there were little programs that you could take that were on black paper with silver writing about the stadium event of dad's memorabilia. As we were walking around the tables I saw all of dad's childhood memories there...old journals, a favorite baseball, and other random things of his.

After that, dad stayed at the stadium and the rest of the family (mom and bill included) drove to farmers branch and stopped by at this glass building. We went inside and all of bill's favorite music was playing (The Beatles; the Eagles: Hotel California) and there were shelfs set up in this smaller room in the building that had all of bill's childhood memorabilia like his journals from his childhood that I actually opened and read...All I remember though was that the writing was all crooked and slanted across the pages..I don't remember what it said.

Bill also had little programs about the event at the building, but they were on white paper with gold writing....

After that I woke up.........

Strange.

The past few weeks

So, I'm very bored today....

For the past few days all i've been doing is laying in bed playing zelda: spirit tracks or cross-stitching. I'm getting very bored of it every day and just dreading as the time goes on that i have to be at work in the next 5 hours....blahhh...

...I miss washington. It was soooooo relaxing and refreshing being up there :) :) there's so much to do and there's never enough time to do it all.

I really truly hope that bobby and i can live there one day...

Anyhow,

We just got a lightly used twin mattress for free from bobby's work.:) we just sanitized it the other day and now all we have to do is wash the sheets bobby used to have on his old bed and use it on this one :) it's in our 2nd bedroom/office area. pretty sweet :) its really comfortable too.

woot.

I made my first cheesecake yesterday for bobby. :) it came out pretty well...not quite all the way solidified, but much sweeter than normal cheesecake which made me like it more. I usually don't like cheesecake very much b/c it tastes kind of sour...blah, but this tasted great. :)

I just bought tiffany's plane tickets for her to come down and see me and bobby. august 2nd thru aug. 8th (mon.-sun.) YAY!!! I'm so excited to see her :) and when she's here, she'll actually have her own room and bed to sleep in!!!! YAY!!!

..I can't believe i'm going to be 20 in a couple weeks...ahhh...I won't be a teenager anymore :( this is weird....I don't like it....:( but i feel so much older than my age too.... ugggh. life is too short.

i really need a new job. I seriously hate mine....i loathe it everyday i come in. I feel like whatever i do, there's always something else that has to get done.....blah.

...I don't really know what else to write about today...i just feel really bored....:(

Fall 2010 Classes

...SO tuition got a bit pricier this year...humbug!
It cost be about $200 bucks more than last semester..

But--I'm very excited for this semester...it will be a crap ton of work, but it will be fun and interesting! **I HAVE TO MAKE A'S IN ALL OF MY CLASSES!**

TR Classes (T=tuesday/R=Thursday)
8:00-9:30am Chemistry I TR
9:30-11:50am CHEM LAB R
12:30-01:50pm Composition II TR
oh--and get this, I'm taking not one..but TWO online classes...yikes:
ONLINE General Biology I
ONLINE Art Appreciation

...yeah....so-this will be fun and pack filled with adventure..

Bobby is taking the same classes as me..but instead of Chemistry, he is taking a Criminal Justice course about the career of being a police officer *Something he is very interested in*.

I'M REALLY EXCITED :D

Radiology

....Do I want to be a radiologist???....

I just researched and found out about all the schooling and internships and fellowships I'd have to take. I'd have to make a 3.7 gpa or higher while getting my bachelors and I'd have to take the MCAT (medical college admissions test) to get into a 4 yr medical program. and then do a 2 yr internship and then a 2 yr fellowship...yikes...

That's alot of schooling, which I dont mind...but how would i pay for the schooling? and would i be paid during internships/fellowships?????? I don't know...

Anyhow, I've spent the last 3 hours job hunting...haven't applied for 1 job yet...but, I need a day time job that works during the weekend days as well that pays at least 11.75/hour and is either a clerical or administrative assistant job. I don't want to be one at a medical office because I would have to take a 2 yr program to even qualify, and I don't have the time or money for that. I need a job that can get me the hell away from amc. BLAH! ....maybe I do want to work at public storage like bob? ...but that'd be a $3 pay cut... I don't know if I want to do that.... I don't know what I want to do...but I want to have a desk job doing something that pays at least what i'm making now....

....I'm supposed to be getting a raise at my current job w/ amc...I don't know how much of an increase it is...but I really don't care how much it is because I want to leave...SOOOO BADLY!

I need a new job that doesn't have to deal with people so much.

Any suggestions?

Puppies

Can I have them?